I’ve been dedicating myself to the LGBT community for quite some time now — through community centers, school groups and within the legal profession. Yet, I’m a new activist. To me, the term activist means something far different than someone who is merely “involved” in the LGBT community. The Merriam-Webster dictionary definition of activist includes the phrase “direct vigorous action.” To me, that phrase does not go far enough.  To me, an activist is a militant reformer. So, how have I gone from such things as sitting on a Board of Directors or donating money here and there to becoming a militant reformer?

To answer that question, I will share excerpts from a private journal entry I wrote a mere three years ago, on December 22, 2005:

Thoughts rushing through my head. Pain. Trying to figure out why, when it’s going to end.  I hurt. I long. I yearn. I question.  I’m so tired of being like this.  Alone, confused, dreadful.  I know who I am, I know what I have to offer, and I know how alone I feel….

I’m trying so hard right now. I’m trying everything I know, to be strong to find courage, to believe.  It is so hard.  I hurt from what society thinks of me. I hurt by the gay community I’m surrounded in. I hurt by the people around me who just don’t understand. I hurt because I feel so alone, which makes me want to be ever more alone.  Leave me alone because you don’t understand.

I yearn to talk about it, but I don’t know what to say. I want an escape, but I know that I’ve taken that option away. I have to face my pain and my fears. I’m almost crying right now.  Almost, because the tears seem to evade me. I just don’t know anymore….

I need to start saying what is on my mind instead of burying it. It is such a novel concept. Not avoiding things people may not want to hear….

I’ve got to start standing up for myself, especially with me.

I’m coming to learn that the internalized homophobia I live with is a product of our society and my upbringing.  I’m coming to learn that I can never erase that internalized homophobia, but that I can come to manage it.

I’m managing it, alright.  I’m Ryan Kerian and I’m here to fight the ignorance, homophobia and fear that plagues our society, even today.  I’m here to scream to all the world that I am equal to them.  I am here to shout that transgender people, people of color, HIV-positive people and all people whose struggles intersect within the LGBT community are equal and deserve equal treatement not only under the law but within the mores of society.  I’m a militant reformer and I’m not going away.

I was arrested on November 15th, 2008.  Many people don’t understand why I would do such a thing.  I was arrested because my emotions — anger, sadness, fear, confusion and the temptation of shame — called to me through the core of my very soul to show the world through my voice and actions that WE ARE AN EQUAL PEOPLE! That WE WILL NOT BE SILENT until we achieve our rights and heal the rifts that exist within the LGBT community.

Join me.  Set aside your fears — scream your message to the world and carry with you your hope.  Harvey Milk said, “hope will never be silent.”  We cannot and will not be silent.

It is only through our voices and actions that people will come to understand us, our worth and our love.  The time for unity and a people’s movement is now.  Fight with me!

Your new activist,

Ryan

Your New Activist Screaming to Have His Voice Heard

Tags: activism, anger, civil disobedience, civil rights, community, fear, involvement, LGBT, nonviolent resistance, protest

This entry was posted on Friday, December 5th, 2008 at 11:36 am and is filed under New Activists, Personal Stories. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.